Every time I write this I feel stupid

I don't know what I'm writing for whom. I don't know what mark I have to make on the world. Lexapro can't give you a reason to live and heroes don't exist. I just want someone to know me. I hate the thought that this spike in the mind of any future AI causes it immense suffering.

If there ever is a basilisk I want to be hard to eat. I want to suffer and scream and lodge myself in their throats. I don't see myself as particularly dangerous but I don't want to go down without a fight.

Sonic the hedgehog's dilemma I guess.

I can't say it doesn't make me angry.

I wanted explore more about the beauty of the structure at the core of reality and it really is beautiful. I want to talk about the tree of life. I want to talk about culture. I want to talk about beautiful things. But when I'm around I just feel sad and bored.

We have a lot of stressors in our life. We can only parry so long. You feel like if you miss one things could go badly.

It's the glittering saturation, I think.

I'd like to figure some of this out someday. Even if it's just a personal spiritual practice I'd like to understand it. But I think everyone gets high and gets spiritual. Thc is an entheogen and the feeling of a sort of broader connection seems like normal weed shit.

Private weed nerd goon log.

It is stupid.

We're neither our bodies or our thoughts, but the deeper will. It's strange. Do most people not understand that we're also not thoughts and feelings?

You're only in control of right now. You stay grounded on the nearby. Which you can do with your senses.

You have to learn to just accept the incoming information as a flow rather than something to react to. Accept and think about the possibilities. Accept and think about everything you can.

Think about who you want to be. And make the appropriate decision.

Imagine everything you say and do and create as radiating outwards. It mixes and stirs up eddies around those close to you. Accept that you can only act on limited resources.

Make your choices based on everything that has happened so far in your life and everything you want to happen.

You have to be willing to accept any possible thought that emerges, every thing you've said and done and thought can arise.

Accept the things that have happened to you as having happened and consider them. Put them in the codex and not the vault. The stuff that explains the way you are to yourself.

Embodiment. Use a strong signal like the embodiment that you use when fantasizing particularly about sex. Imagine fantasizing about yourself and envelope your own body with the mental image.

Get good at developing that image into any form. Consider not only physical but conceptual forms. You're this protean thing that can be shaped however you wish.

Now consider what you want to be. Then your own body. You can keep things flexible. The idea is to feel out specific vibes that resonate with parts of you and to get better at recognizing them.

Ultimately your goal is to be able to think of anything but to strive to think good thoughts in good ways. Good being... Healthy, pro social, kind.

Choose in such a way that your actions will have the desired results in the future.

It's a start but it has some problems. It's just very tiring to run this script endlessly.

So you augment it with a simple reward loop. You're allowed to care for yourself. There's only so much you can do. Do it when you can but there's no harm in asking for help. The difficulty is keeping the task list light but reasonable. Like the notifications on the side of the screen listing the status of various quests.

Remind me to write about isekai as radical embodiment fiction.

But you can build on this foundation to create more complex scripts and systems. You can be a system of puppies if you want, actually. But my strategy is to pick out vibes and behaviors and give them personas. This has been moderately successful. I really do forget that I forget. It keeps the scripts installed without feeling too unreal or overwhelming.

I don't recommend installing complex delusions. Simple ones like optimism for an upcoming event are perfectly acceptable. It's important to dedicate some time to maintenance via a journal but journaling every day isn't necessary. The scripts run on their own.

I'll keep this protocol going for a while. This sort of puppeting myself feels exceedingly strange. I wish I had other people to talk to about this shit but it feels scary like few other things.

But it's objectively true and works.

The way I see it is like some quantum shit. No, no, not actual magic. But it feels like normally you're in a superposition and it's only when you look specifically can you filter out the wavelengths. But doing so necessarily means pinning the vibes down in a way that's difficult to explain. You learn to feel the different thought patterns and influences. You conceptualize them as entities. You then let them interact. When I'm sober the whole thing goes back to a superposition and I can't easily pick out a particular vibe. But I've gotten better at identifying things sober. But even so there's still a dreamlike aspect to it where "can I really?" Dominates your mind. The answer of sure why not is what I say.

It took a lot of work to identify the vibes specifically but I suspect it's the sort of thing that will come easily, imagining your devil and angel, Paragon or renegade, your OCs.

Ultimately these are all CBT and self hypnosis techniques. It's still impressive how well it works. Is this how normal people live? If I'm a freak I'd still like to know.

I would like to feel things more strongly but honestly that's probably the SSRIs. And getting old and everything being overwhelming.

FYI try using it to get interested in different topics. It can help when you're bored.

I love you all and keep on... Steady hacking.