Cyber pussy

It's hard to overstate how little I cared about things as a teenager. Once testosterone got into my system I didn't really feel much of anything other than resentment. Oh and horny. I hated being horny like that. I hated the purely physical demands of a penis in a way that I struggled to deal with. Sexually I didn't have a body, just a penis. The body was wrong but the thing demanded love and attention.

And worse, everything around you reminded you that you were not what you were supposed to be but some other thing that wore a man's flesh. And that flesh made demands.

Lest we I give you the wrong idea I am speaking almost entirely of casual sex with men. And masturbation.

To a man... To a cisgender man... The idea of cutting off your penis is the worst kind of body horror. It's not the sort of thing you want to think about. I didn't really want to think about it either. Not because I loved my penis but because I wasn't even out. As far as I was concerned I'd live the rest of my life as a man and only dress up in secret.

I don't think about it anymore because I have a vagina and I very much enjoy it. Have you ever cum so hard you see God? Because I could not achieve that reboot your brain level of stimulation with a cock. The curve is all wrong. Not of the cock but of the experience. Peaks fast and easy and I need to be worked up. And lest you think the difficulty I now have in achieving ultimate orgasm is due to my pussy being insufficiently sensitive I assure you that that is wrong.

I'll explain what I mean and how I got there after a moment.

I don't allow myself outside reference while writing these. Otherwise I'd influence my memories. But when you have to piss it's reasonable to take a break. In any case, I wanted to talk about orgasms. Here's my observation: dicks are clits and prostates are g spots. That is to say that in my experience the experience of having something inserted and stimulating that area of the neovagina results in a pleasant building stimulation, but vibrations and especially rhythmic stimulation is especially nice. All that coincides roughly with my experience with anal stimulation and partners. Basically I didn't really like anal as much as it was the way to get to the spot inside you where I can... Almost... Achieve orgasm... Or actually maybe they feel like mini orgasms from within.

I usually need a little clitoral stimulation at least but... Inside is very good.

I hate that I can't talk about this shit. I literally just finally love my body and feel sexually fulfilled in a way I couldn't be before.

Like let's be fucking for real. Is this autogynephilia? To love yourself in a way that was physically impossible before? It's ridiculous. Of course you imagine your ideal embodiment when you fantasize! The penis didn't really worry me much.

No that's wrong. It's cope. I hated it. It was a blunt instrument and I wanted a violin.

So why was I afraid of thinking about losing it? Intellectually I would have told you the whole time that if you could snap your fingers and give me a vagina I would have taken it. But surgery scared me. But also. Let's talk about regret.

When I had my wisdom teeth taken out I had gotten in the habit of playing with them with my tongue. It had gone on so long that it had been a habit for years. When I finally had them out I would put my tongue there and expect them to be there. So have I ever had phantom penis? In a word, no. The truth is I've sort of forgotten what it felt like. Only specifically. I can of course imagine. But I usually don't. Not because I don't want to think of it but because it just doesn't interest me. But that's just me. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? They just swapped.

When I had surgery I set some ground rules beforehand. First of all she's a she. Second, she's a new part of your body that should bring you pleasure if you treat her correctly. So be kind during the healing process. It's fine to feel bad or frustrated but you didn't want to get into a state where I felt resentful.

And it worked. It did take a while to get used to using my new hardware but that's the learning process. We've all gone through that when we first learned to handle ourselves.

I suspect that's a step in my journey of embodiment. Being able to direct neuronal and nerve growth seems key to achieving this kind of integration. I suspect that's what differs between the experiences of an amputee and a transsexual. Most amputees aren't seeing themselves as gaining something so I think that puts you pretty far back as far as primary bodily integration.

So here's the question... Did I really deep down want to cut my dick off or did I convince myself that I wanted that because I'm insane?

How long can you go without masturbation? Because while I can take it or leave it I feel like it's because I choose to instead of a biological need. With testosterone it felt very different.

What if you could never cum again or experience sexual pleasure? Of course that shit scared me. I didn't like to think about that idea. But it was a possibility. But ultimately I decided I couldn't think that way. What was happening is that I was going into a major procedure knowing the risk because it would complete some part of me. No. No no that's bullshit. I was going in because I wanted a pussy to fuck with. Like that's literally it. It's an organ of sexual pleasure. They got these vibrators that sync up with music nowadays.

But sex is important to humans! Instead of wondering if I'd ever achieve orgasm I got so horny three weeks in that I managed to very carefully vibrate myself to orgasm. Nothing on the actual healing part of course but I got creative and it didn't hurt the healing process.

But it took a long time to enjoy penetration. That was due to unrelated stuff.

It's insane shit. This is fucking cyberpunk as fuck man. They changed my body and it WORKS. It's mine I love it. That's what they're afraid of! That our bodies and selves are more fluid than they know. That this process was INTENTIONAL. Was I a girl all along or did I simply want to be one I don't see it that way. I could live with being a boy but I hated being a man. As a boy my parents would probably tell you I liked dinosaurs and video games like any boy his age. And then my mental narrative is that fucking wishing well for sensitive little boys skit. I'd literally wish upon a star to be a girl the next time I woke up.

If you freaks that read manga recognize that pattern but this was way before that shit. It was actually some movie that was on TV that transed me. Or maybe it wasn't a movie. It had a dick girl situation. Not explicit. The gag was that a woman woke up with a dick. This sounds insane I need to check it. It's not as salacious as it sounds.

It was just a step up from the normal man in a dress gag. But it stuck in my mind and from then I wished that the opposite would happen to me. Now did this joke trans me or is the fact that a child of seven or so, upon the very idea that changing sex was a possibility (because I was so young I couldn't recognize it as fantasy) enough to suggest that maybe some people are simply not the sex they were assigned at birth.

It seems obvious that if a child is obsessed with the idea of being a girl and wants to be a girl and doesn't want to become a man that that's just... That's just a girl.

But shit.

Take aways from this post:

1. When I got my neovagina I was nice to it and it rewarded me.

2. I don't know if that movie exists. I have no idea what it was it was just an image in grainy Polaroid in my memory. It was clearly meant as humiliating but maybe a little sexy. Like maybe a sleazy 70s sex comedy. Who knows. But the literal second I even was exposed to the concept I was like yep that's for me.

3. Get a lovense, set it to music and have an edible.